Sunday, August 31, 2008

When are the pseudo-Christians gonna learn?

Back in July, CitizenLink, the political-action division of the odious James Dobson’s “Focus on the Family” organization, posted a video; in it, Stuart Shepherd, one of their digital-media managers, asked if it was wrong to request that his fellow “Christians” join him in a little prayer, one that called upon God to unleash a rainstorm two minutes before Barack Obama took the stage to give his acceptance speech at the Democratic National Convention.

The cowards pulled the video earlier this month. But I don’t think God likes those who pray for that sort of thing. Indeed, Denver had perfect weather all week, while the Republican National Convention is now going to have to compete with another hurricane bearing down on the site of one of this administration’s most spectacular failures.

This isn’t the first time something like this has happened. Remember 1998?

Let me take you through the timeline. On June 1 of that year, the city of Orlando allowed a group to fly rainbow flags from some of the light poles for Gay Pride Day. Shortly thereafter, Disney World hosted the unofficial annual Gay Day.

So on June 8, Pat Robertson ran a news segment on his show, The 700 Club, focused on both the Orlando flag display and the Disney World Gay Day, and proclaimed:

A condition like this will bring about the destruction of your nation. It’ll bring about terrorist bombs; it’ll bring earthquakes, tornados and possibly a meteor. . . . If you’re going to have one month dedicated to waving the flag of the homosexuals, it isn’t a very wise thing with the hurricane season coming up to wave a flag under God’s nose.

A week later, on June 15, Senator Trent Lott made an appearance on the Armstrong Williams radio show in Washington DC, and said this:

You should not mistreat [homosexuals] or treat them as outcasts. You should try to show them a way to deal with that problem, just like alcoholism or sex addiction or kleptomania. There are all kinds of problems, addiction, difficulties, and experiences that are wrong, but you should try to work with that person to learn to control that problem.

So the stage is set. Let’s look at how the 1998 hurricane season went:

• Alex: Became a tropical storm on July 29, and died out on August 2. Nearest approach to Orlando: 1400 miles.
• Bonnie: Became a tropical storm on August 19, and headed straight for Florida. It became a hurricane on August 22, and almost immediately turned northwest toward the Carolinas. The hurricane made landfall at the coast on August 26, near the border between North and South Carolina, and headed north. The following day, having swept the entire North Carolina coast, Bonnie got all the way up to make a direct hit on Virginia Beach, Virginia, before heading back out to sea. Virginia Beach is the home of Pat Robertson, The 700 Club and what was then CBN University (now Regent University). The hurricane caused three deaths and about $720 million in damage in the Virginia Beach area. After that, it headed back out to sea, and died out around August 30. Nearest approach to Orlando: Several hundred miles.
• Charley: Became a tropical storm on August 21, and became a hurricane just before landfall at Port Aransas, TX the following day. It headed inland and died out on August 25. Nearest approach to Orlando: Over 1500 miles.
• Danielle: Became a tropical storm on August 24. It became a hurricane shortly thereafter, but turned north, then northwest, and died out around September 8. Nearest approach to Orlando: around 1500 miles.
• Earl: Became a tropical storm on August 31, and upgraded to hurricane status on September 2. It managed to make landfall at the farthest reach of the Florida panhandle, then headed northeast into Georgia, where it died out. Nearest approach to Orlando: 300 miles.
• Frances: Became a tropical storm on September 8, made landfall nor Corpus Christi, TX, and died out on the following day north of Dallas. Nearest approach to Orlando: Over 1500 miles.
• Georges: Became a tropical storm on September 15, became a hurricane the following day, and barely made landfall at Key West, moved on into the Gulf and turned north, making landfall at Pascagoula, MS on September 28. Pascagoula, incidentally, is a town of only 26,000-odd residents, one of which is—wait for it—Trent Lott. It meandered around southern Mississippi as a tropical storm for a couple of days before dying out. Nearest approach to Orlando: 250 miles (or as a tropical storm, 150 miles).
• Hermine: Became a tropical storm on September 19, made landfall near Cocodrie, LA, and promptly died. Nearest approach to Orlando: 600 miles.
• Ivan: Became a tropical storm on September 20, became a hurricane on September 26, but turned around and faded the following day. Closest approach to Orlando: Over 2000 miles.
• Jeanne: Became a tropical storm on September 21, and grew into a hurricane over the following days, whereupon it, too, turned around and headed north, and died out on October 4. Nearest approach to Orlando: Over 2000 miles.
• Karl: Became a tropical storm on September 23, became a hurricane on September 25, but traveled generally northeast, dying out on September 29. Nearest approach to Orlando: Over 1500 miles.
• Lisa: Became a tropical storm on October 5, but headed north, briefly reaching hurricane strength before merging with a front over the northern Atlantic, and died out on October 10. Nearest approach to Orlando: Over 1500 miles.
• Mitch: Became a tropical storm on October 22, but rapidly became a massive hurricane and hit Honduras and Nicaragua hard on October 29, killing thousands in the subsequent days. On November 3, for the first time this century, Florida elected a Republican governor (Jeb Bush) and a Republican legislature. The following day, Mitch headed northeast straight for Florida, and made landfall at Port Coral, Florida as a tropical storm. Three hours later, it passed over Jupiter, Florida, on its way out to sea. Nearest approach to Orlando: Over 1500 miles (or as a tropical storm, 150 miles).
• Nicole: Became a tropical storm on November 24, weakened two days later, and became a tropical storm again on the 27th. It grew to hurricane strength briefly before dying out on December 1. Nearest approach to Orlando: Over 2000 miles.

With all their vaunted insight into “what God wants,” you would think Pat and his ilk would have gotten a clue from what happened in 1998:

• homosexual-tolerant Orlando: perfectly safe;
• the homes of homosexual-intolerant Pat Robertson and Trent Lott: hit directly by hurricanes.

But they still haven’t managed to get a clue, even though the signs should have been perfectly clear. So now Dobson’s operatives are playing in the same clue-free environment. Surprised?

Hint: Exorting God to smite thine enemies, and finding out that they are not only unsmoted, but you yourself have been a bit smot, you might want to consider the possibility that God ain’t on your side.